For the Love Of Charlotte

_I stared in complete disbelief at the small white stick on which i had just peed that was laying on the counter in my bathroom. I picked up the little white stick and the box it came in fumbling with it because my hands were so sweaty. I read the directions over and over again praying silently that somewhere i had misread. But, there was no mistaking the easy and clear directions. The smile was pregnant and the frown meant i wasn't. I peeked over at the stick hoping the result had changed somewhere in the last 30 seconds. Nope, the small black printed face seemed to be taunting me with its almost demonic like smile that told me I was pregnant.
_"Fuck!" I screamed listening to my voice echo off the walls of my apartment. I threw my arm over my face. My mind seemed incapable of thinking past the same phrase that kept repeating in my head. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I tried shaking the stick in my hands wishing the face would disappear like an unwanted doodle on an Etch-A-Sketch, but the smile didn't go anywhere. I wanted to hide it, throw it away, or even better I wanted somebody, hell anybody, to knock on my door and say that this was all some cruel joke. But, none of those things happened. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My dark blue eyes were frozen in shock, my head shaking back and forth. I tried to imagine myself pregnant, tried to imagine a swollen stomach under the black t-shirt I wore now, I couldn't. I tried to imagine myself being one of those mothers sitting on a bench at the park constantly yelling for the kid to stop, or put something down, I couldn't do that either. I slid down the wall closest to my bedroom thinking about how the hell I got here.
_About 4 months ago, my girlfriend, Shane, and I broke up. I was only 19 at the time and still living with my parents trying to get on my feet. Shane and I had been dating for about 6 months before I decided I should tell my friends and family about her. My parents had been first on my list. I'm not sure what I expected their response to be, but the way my father yelled for hours on end was not what I expected. My mother sitting on the couch rocking back and forth crying was not what I had expected. My mother cringing away from my touch like I had electrocuted her when I tried to console her was not what I had expected, and I definitely didn't expect for my parents to tell me that I had to choose between having a place to stay and Shane. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't choose. But, Shane saw how it was hurting me to have to make the decision so she made it for me. When she broke it off I could see the pain it caused her in her eyes, but all I could feel was my heart breaking and a question that I knew the answer to but had to ask anyway.
_"Will you wait for me?" I asked my cheeks soaked with tears.
_"Do you even have to ask?" Shane placed her hand on my face and I leaned into her palm.
_"Promise me you'll wait for me."
_"I promise, Nisa. I'll wait for you."
_Of course, I felt better after hearing her promise me. As long as I knew Shane was waiting for me I had my motivation to keep it pushing. She was my motivation to work even harder at my job and save my money to get the hell out of here, so that I could be with her. A couple weeks after we broke up my best friend, Teshelle or Telly, called me and told me she had to see me. After she came over we went to my room, and I could tell by the look on Telly's face that it wasn't good news and it wasn't news she wanted to tell me.
_"What's going on Telly?" I asked after minutes of awkward silence. "What happened?"
_Telly took a deep breath and sighed. Without words she pulled out her phone and showed me the picture.
_"I'm so sorry." she whispered. I took the phone from her staring at the picture in pain and shock. Although the background was dark I could plainly see Shane's lips pressed to another girls who I recognized as her ex girlfriend Kendra. I sat in a chair across from Telly about to hand the phone back when she put her hand up and lowered her head knowing what she was about to say next would do to me. "There's more." I started going through the pictures each one adding salt to the pain I felt. One where they were dancing slow and intimate, another where Shane had her hand up Kendra shirt, and another where they were kissing. Shane's hand was in Kendra's hair and Kendra's hand was on Shane's chest. Telly knew that if she would've just told I would never have believed it. Shane looked me in my eyes and she promised me that she would wait for me, but the pictures couldn't lie. I shook my head trying not to cry, but the pain washed over me and I felt like I was drowning in it. Telly came and wrapped her arms around me, comforting me, but I couldn't register much except that Shane had hurt me when she said she never would. She was just like a guy...worse, actually, because I had never been hurt this bad by a guy. What the hell did I do? I hurt my family for her. How could she hurt me like this? Telly stayed with for a couple hours before she had to be at work. After she left I sat on my windowsill seat just looking out the window. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with another girl, not if being with them hurt like this.
_Two weeks after Telly told me about Shane, she convinced me to call my ex boyfriend Austin. He was a good person and I loved him, I guess I just wanted something new when I started dating Shane. Something besides the boring weekly routine I had with Austin. When I called Austin I suggested we meet at a local coffee shop called Layers so we could talk, because it was his favorite place to eat when we were dating. Austin, however, insisted that I go to his place. I started to call the whole thing off, but Telly wouldn't let me. She said I had done enough crying and moping over Shane, and that it was time for me to have my fun. She came over and did my hair and make up she even gave me a manicure. Austin knocked on my door at exactly 8 for our date. At first he was speechless, then a breathtakingly handsome smile broke across his face. Austin was about 6'3, 180 lbs even, a dark brown fade with waves that could give anybody motion sickness, full lips, and a body that a Greek God would envy. But, the most redeeming feature about Austin was his eyes, they were big and sincere and had the most unique color about them they were boarder line hazel and brown. Before Shane I would have soaked my panties just at the sight of him at my door. Before Shane I would have gave Austin a deep, passionate kiss before he got in the door. Before Shane I might have even thought Austin was sexy as hell, and while he was handsom none of these things happened and I realized that I wasn't even remotely attracted to Austin. As his eyes scanned me over I suddenly felt nervous and slightly uncomfortable before I realized that i shouldn't be. He came in polite as always and said a quick hello to my mother and father and we were gone.
_Austin had a spacious, tastefully decorated loft. I didn't know what he did for a living, but whatever it was it paid well. I stared in shock around the apartment and I knew without looking at Austin that he enjoyed the shock on my face. On the marble coffee table were a dozen long stemmed roses, a bottle of champange already opened and on ice, and two glasses. The fire place off to the side had the fire on a low setting making the room more welcome and warm. I smiled when I saw the place setting in the small kitchen off to the side. The round glass table had a setting for two. I sniffed and my stomach rumbled in hunger.

_"Somebody's hungry." Austin laughed, watching my hands as they moved to my stomach trying to quiet the steady grumble.

_"It smells delicious." I admitted, smiling sheepishly. "What are we having?"

_"Steak prepared medium rare and grilled to perfection, salad lightly tossed and rice with grilled vegetables."

_"Are you a professional chef now?" I asked turning to face him. From the look on his face I knew I guessed right. "Oh my gosh, you're a chef?!? I didn't even know you could cook. I wouldn't have broke up with you if I knew you could." I said playfully shoving him. His shoulder was rock hard under the cream colored sweater he wore. Could a shoulder have muscles?
_"I'm a man of many talents." He flashed me that unbelievably handsome smile and I knew he was flirting. Again, I felt that uncomfortable feeling, like I had to put some space between us. I felt like my body and my mind weren't on the same wave length. I wasn't having any of the usual reactions I would have had before Shane. My hands should not still be at my side, they should be somewhere on his body. My lips should not still be stretched across my teeth in a slightly uncomfortable smile, they should be on his lips or neck or something for crying out loud.
_"So," he began awkwardly walking ahead of me and pulling out a chair. "I know you're hungry. Let's eat."
_Dinner was light conversation. We talked about school for me, work for him, love life for both. I didn't tell him about Shane, partly because just talking about it still hurt and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable if I burst into tears and partly because I didn't feel like getting into an explanation of the who's, why's, and how's. Things like that weren't exactly "appropriate dinner conversation". However, I was happy being around Austin. He made me laugh and he listened, even though I couldn't tell him everything yet, I felt I would be able to someday. Before I knew it, my plate was clean. Austin cleared the dishes and helped me to the couch, I was a little tipsy from the champagne.
_Everything happened fast after we sat on the couch, but looking back on it now I remember it all in perfect clarity. At first we were laughing and talking. Austin took my shoes off and looked at me with the most hungry look in his eyes- it would have turned me on if it were Shane- but I looked away feeling that uncomfortable feeling again. When we were back at eye level- he was a lot closer than he had been before he took off my shoes- he took a spare curl and placed it behind my ear. I knew what was coming next, like a repetitious bedtime story. But, I couldn't make my feet move. Although, I knew it was coming I stood frozen in shock. I saw it before it happened.
_"I missed you." he said leaning in close enough for me to smell a peppermint he popped into his mouth-when, I have no clue- close enough to pull my face toward him and kiss me in a way that should have been romantic and passionate. All I felt was the uncomfort, the hoping that the kiss would be over soon. What the hell is wrong with you??? This fine ass man could have any woman in the world but he wants you. Get over yourself and more importantly get over Shane! A voice shrieked in my head. Before I could contradict the voice or even think to ignore it, I was kissing Austin back. His tongue danced in my mouth, his breath sweet, his hands tangling in my curls. Once again, the feeling I had since I opened the door to see Austin standing there was making it's way to my gut sitting there. Austin continued to kiss me, but the only thing I could help thinking is that I wish he were Shane. That should have gave me my answer right there, that being a lesbian was the right thing for me or at least Shane was. But, I was set on the explanation that the feeling was my longing for Shane. I pushed all my thoughts and feelings as far away from my brain as possible and tried with all my might to focus on Austin.
_He swept me up into his arms, his lips never leaving mine. Laid me gently on the bed his lips still kissing me but moving to my neck, removing my shirt before he got to my breasts. Kissing them hungrily, sucking seductively on my nipples, kissing down to the button of my jeans before removing them. Tossing them somewhere in the room. He pulled off my panties with his teeth and even before he parted my lips with his tongue I knew I would be bone dry. As hard as it was to believe even to me NONE of this was turning me on. Shane kept sneaking her way into my thoughts and instead of seeing Austin, I kept seeing Shane's long black hair, unbraided just for the sex, between my legs. Surprisingly, I found myself more turned on the more I pictured Shane. The way she worked my clit alternating between circles and flicks until my legs started shaking the bed. The way she moved her tongue in and out my pussy until I felt like I would explode from the inside out. Even though, all of the above turned me on to the max what really did it was the air of confidence she had. Somewhere in between all of that she would fine a way to hold my gaze like she knew my pussy so well she didn't even need to look. Right when I pictured that face I climaxed, though not as intense as the real thing. Being with Austin felt like masturbating, just not using my hands not quite as good as the real thing but enough to get your fix. When, Austin put his dick inside of me I tried-and failed- to focus on his face. When I closed my eyes I saw Shane and when I opened them I saw Austin. When I closed them I could moan and scream, I could do those things with my eyes open but it was fake. I repeated the part where Austin put his dick inside me, but I couldn't remember if I saw or heard him put a condom on. I went through the part in my head until i thought I would be sick, but I still couldn't remember which frustrated me even more.
_After Austin came-I know for a fact he pulled out- I asked him to take me home. He looked hurt but obliged like the perfect gentleman.
_Somewhere in remembering that night I started to cry. The tears I had been keeping at bay spilled over my cheeks and made dark spots on my sweat pants where I laid my head. What was I going to tell Shane? Would I tell Shane? Would I get an abortion? I knew the answer to that before my brain even brought it to conscious thought. I couldn't kill my child. Even though it was half Austin it was part me too. So, I would have to tell Shane, and my parents, and Telly, and my Granma Lottie. Granma Lottie had been the only person to have my back when I came out. I could almost picture the talking to I was going to get for this. But I know she would support my decision to keep my baby, Telly would have my back no matter what, my parents would think I'm a fuck up no matter what-no harm there- and Shane.....would probably hate me. The tears came harder thinking of the latter.
_My phone, on the counter above my head, started singing PYT by Michael Jackson I knew it was Telly calling me. I started not to answer but I needed to talk to somebody to clear my head before Shane got home. With a numb hand I reached up to grab my Blackberry and pressed talk.
_"Hello??? Nisi?? NI-SI??? NISA!!!" Telly shouted in my ear.
_"Telly can you come over?" I said unable to keep my voice from breaking.
_"I'm on my way." I could hear cars honking at her. I loved that no matter what it was if I said I needed Telly she was there. "What happened? What's wrong?"
_I sighed attempting to calm my voice. "I fucked up."