For The Love Of Charlotte Chptr 5

*DON'T REPORT ME LMAO*


_ I collapsed into the nearest chair, my mind racing, my heart now a steady nervous hum ringing in my ears. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. I repeated to myself. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath wishing with all my heart this was a dream. But, when I opened my eyes Shane was still standing in front of me wearing that look of hate that was supposed to be reserved for a stranger, not for someone she claimed she loved.
_ “Shane, I was going to t-” I started, I stared at my hands twisting them in my lap.
_ “How long have you known?”
_ “Just a day.”
_ “Why didn't you tell me when you found out?”
_ “Shane I just found out a day ago. I had to collect my thoughts an-”
_ “Does Telly know?” she interrupted.
_ “Yeah, but-.”
_ “When did you tell her?”
_ “Yesterday after I found out.”
_ “So you had you're thoughts collected enough to tell her, but not the person you claim you love?”
_ “Shane, I-”
_ “Who else knows?”
_ “I went to tell Granma Lottie today and thats it.” I said focusing my attention on the floor where my feet were planted I didn't dare look into Shane's eyes out of fear of what I would find there.
_ “So you drove an hour and a half to go tell your granma that you were pregnant, but couldn't tell the person you sleep next to every night?”
_ “I didn't know how to tell you.”
_ “You didn't know how to tell me?!” Shane exploded. “'Hey babe, I'm pregnant' would have done the trick or how about 'Guess what honey? I'm knocked up' or even better 'Shane I cheated on you and wasn't smart enough to use a fuckin' condom so now I'm pregnant.”
_ “I never cheated on you!” I yelled jumping up.
_ “Then how the fuck did you get pregnant? cause it damn sho ain't a dick between my legs”
_ “It happened when we broke up, I-”
_ “What you mean? We ain't never broke up.”
_ “Yes, Shane we did.”
_ “Are you talkin' about the break up thats on its way? Lets not count that one yet. We were on a break.”
_ I felt my mouth drop, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, not only had she just tried to play me like the fool thinking I didn't know about her and Kendra, she just told me we were on the verge of a break up. Didn't matter what I said or did after this conversation we were through. The pain of that realization alone was like slitting my own throat with a dull knife. “Shane, I've known about you and Kendra for God only knows how long now.” I watched her eyes buck in shock and her nostrils flare. “Telly happened to be at the club and saw you with her. You know right after you looked me in my eyes and promised me that you would wait for me. She took pictures because she knew I wouldn't believe her. You thought I wouldn't find out?! And what the fuck you mean we were on a break?! You said you would wait for me Shane. YOU SAID! I didn't trap you into staying.”
_ “We not on me right now.”
_ “Oh, but we are because apparently you were on me just a second ago for cheatin' when yo lyin' ass been creepin' around this whole time! What the fuck was that about when you came to my parents house beggin' me to take you back, huh? Or was that just for me to forgive you for some shit you thought I didn't know you had done? You know what makes this shit hilarious? If it hadn't been for you cheatin' with that hoe, Telly never would've saw you, there wouldn't have been no pictures and no reason for me to have called Austin asking him out.”
_ “Don't try to put this all on me. I didn't put a fuckin' gun to your head and make you fuck him. You did that shit all on your own.”
_ “You think I did this shit on purpose? You think I tried to get pregnant?!”
_ “Well, you didn't wear a condom so obviously.”
_ I sat there staring at her. The eyes that could make me fall in love all over again now gave me a look that caused me almost physical pain. This morning she kissed me good-bye how did everything get so turned around. How did this happen? How did my life spiral so out of control?
_ “Baby,” I said hearing my voice waiver and crack. “What do you want me to do? I didn't want this, I didn't ask for it. The only baby I ever dreamed of having is yours. I'm so sorry. I want this all to go away. I want to fix it. I want our life back........tell me how to fix it.” The tears came somewhere in all my begging and pleading and now formed a steady flowing river down my face. Then I felt hands, gentle and apologetic , wipe the tears from my eyes.
_ “I want all of that, too.”
_ “Tell me what to do to fix it.”
_ “You could get rid of it.”
_ “What?”
_ “You said you only dreamed of having my baby. I want us to start fresh. We can't do that if you're walking around with his baby.”
_ “Why not?”
_ “Cause it won't be mine.”
_ “Says who?”
_ “Me.”
_ “But.....I can't.”
_ “Yes, you can. I'll go with you if it makes you feel better.”
_ “No, I really can't. Do you honestly think that if I could have went through with an abortion that I would've told you? I can't, Shane, I just can't.”
_ “Well then I'll put it to you this way, it's either me or it.” There we're no words for how I felt at that moment. How could anybody that said they loved me force me to make such a decision? Shane had a part of me, a part that I couldn't live without. She had my heart. But how far is too far for love? Is it justified to kill something so innocent just because I want someone next to me at night? My child was apart of me, physically, spiritually, emotionally. A mother's love is unconditional and technically I was a mother now. I became a mother the moment I found out I was pregnant. If I chose Shane there was a strong possibility I would resent her for the rest of my life. If I chose to keep my baby, I wouldn't have a place to live, nowhere to go. Which would I choose?
_ “I choose you.” I said looking into her eyes.
_ “We'll call to make an appointment tomorrow.” She stood there smiling in satisfaction and it took all I had to keep the scream building in my chest contained. I felt as if I had just signed over my soul in my baby's blood. I kept my eyes close trying to keep the tears to a minimum. Shane leaned down to kiss me and I turned my head. I didn't want her anywhere near me. She walked into the bedroom leaving me with my thoughts. I cried for hours until I decided to go to sleep, but when I got in the bed the tears started again because she was there. I sat in a chair in our bedroom and watched her sleep as my eyes adjusted to the light. I could feel hatred building for her in the pit of my stomach until I got too tired to think about anything anymore. I laid on the couch and cried myself to sleep.
_ When I woke to the bright, yellow rays of sun in my face and the pain in my side when I tried to roll over I thought sleeping on the couch was a mistake, but I knew if I slept in the bed I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all. As I sat up a piece of paper slid off my chest in Shane's handwriting.
_ “Nisa,
I called your job and told them you weren't feeling well, so you have the day off. I also called the clinic the next two weeks is full, but I got you one exactly two weeks from now.
Love, Shane”
_ I felt my eyes prick as if I was getting ready to cry but nothing came out. I guess I had ran out of tears between yesterday and today. I sat up and scooted to the edge of the couch closest to the window. I stared at the clear blue sky without emotion. Nor did I bother to move when I heard Shane's ringtone play on my phone in the other room. I sat there taking emotional punches at myself. It was good that I was having the abortion. A good mother wouldn't have thought twice about choosing her child let alone actually chose herself over her child. My baby deserved better. I sat there taking emotional punches at Shane as well. I used to think that Shane was too good for me, that she gave me royal treatment on my bitchiest days. Now I couldn't decide which of us was worse the mother that chose herself over her baby or the person that asked her to choose. I sat there watching the sun change directions in the sky. I sat there watching the shadows move about the room. Every now and then a tear would fall, like when I started thinking about what my baby would've looked like if I wasn't so selfish, or how her personality would be.
_ It seemed like minutes later Shane came bursting through the door as if the apartment was on fire.
_ “Nisa, I been calling you. Where is your phone?”
_ I watched a group of birds fly overhead.
_ “Nisa?”
_ I watched a plane fly by, thought about all the people who had various places to go.
_ “Nisa!?”
_ I watched a cloud float by and block the sun.
_ “Anisa!?” She had gotten in my face yelling and waving like a crazy person by then, but I kept my eyes on the outside of the window. She tried pulling my face toward her, but my eyes stayed on the outside of the window. She tried standing in front of my view but my eyes looked past her out the window. Eventually, she gave up and went in the room. I watched as the clear blue in the sky faded to pastel oranges and pinks, and as the sun started to make its slow but gradual disappearance behind the clouds. Shane stayed in the bedroom, only coming out to eat and use the bathroom, but she didn't bother me once.
_ I slept on the couch again that night. When I woke up I found another note from Shane much like the day before saying she had called my job and told them I had a stomach virus. To Shane that's probably exactly what my baby was, a stomach virus. Something terrible making me sick. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my stomach and ran to the bathroom to throw up, though I hadn't ate anything. I hadn't ate in the last two days and I still wasn't hungry. Even though I probably should eat for the baby. Why? You're just going to kill it anyway? I thought to myself harshly. Instead of fighting the voice like I knew I should I went back to the couch and sat there staring out the window for the second day in a row without moving.
_ Shane came home and tried once to get my attention before repeating the same routine as the previous day. I started thinking about how everything had changed. Shane had never been this selfish, at least I never thought she had. I always thought that when it came to our relationship she put my needs before hers. I thought that when we took our “break” that she was doing it because of me, because she didn't want me torn between my family. Or maybe she just wanted an excuse to hook up with Kendra and she knew pathetic ass me would still be home waiting. Yesterday, when I came home I had someone to hold me and tell me everything would be okay no matter what. All the times she told me she loved me, she told me how much, she told me she would do anything for me, anything to be with me, was bullshit in my eyes. If she really loved me, truly, there would be no place she should be right now but by my side.
_Would I be feeling like this if I had chose my baby? I would be crying sure but I wouldn't be sitting here literally making myself sick. And suddenly everything in my mind had changed again, at least to me it did, and I knew it was the right decision because I felt butterflies in my stomach. I was about to make the decision that would change my life forever. Without the slightest hesitation I got up and walked into the bedroom. Shane was laying on her back watching TV.
_ “Don't get up.” I said, getting on top of her. I leaned in and gave what was to me the most passionate-and unbeknowest to her- last kiss. This was something I never wanted to forget, she was something I never wanted to forget. I couldn't deny that I was still in love with Shane, even after all the shit she put me through. Because that's what real love is. I just realized that I was the only one who felt it. And right now I wanted to make love to her for the last time. I wanted to have one more perfect night, because after I said what I had to say tomorrow there probably wouldn't be a Shane and I.
_ As the kissing progressed I unbraided her hair so she would already know what I wanted. I wanted my hands everywhere, my lips, I wanted to express just how much I loved her physically. When I got her hair unbraided I tangled both my hands in it, I let every strand wrap it's way around my fingers etching the feel into my memory. I remembered the way her lips felt on my skin as she made her way to my neck. The feel of being on fire, without pain. I remembered the way her skin felt underneath my fingertips, like running them over silk. As my hands ran over her breasts and my lips followed behind them, the sound of her moans filled my ears and mind and burned its way into my memory, although I was sure I already wouldn't forget. I bit and sucked her nipples until I felt her crossing and uncrossing her legs and I bit my lip because I knew how wet she would be and I couldn't wait to taste. I kissed my way down to her belly button and slowly removed her sweats as my lips got lower and lower. Her pussy was clean shaven and dripping. I licked from bottom to top watching as she arched her back. I stuck my tongue inside the prize and was instantly addicted to the taste. I licked and sucked, not just for her pleasure but because I simply couldn't get enough. When I felt her legs shaking I was sad because-to me- it was over too quickly. As she exploded from the inside out, gripping my hair to hold on to reality as she floated from her little piece of heaven, the moment felt bittersweet.
_ Shane laid me back on the bed and started removing my clothes piece by piece. I tried to move what I was going to do to the furthest part of my mind and just enjoy the moment because there wouldn't be another and I had to keep reminding myself of that. As Shane kissed my neck and breasts I felt the feeling of being on fire again and held on to it. She kissed down to the lining of my boy-shorts before taking them off with her teeth. Her head bobbed and weaved and she did shit with her tongue that should be illegal in all 50 states. I moaned louder and louder, hearing them bounce off the walls. I felt the release building in my stomach and I looked down at her and there was the look. As soon as I looked into her eyes I came hard and long. And as though the last couple days didn't exist she took me into her arms and held me tight and close. I cried silent tears that night, wishing hard that things were different. But, they weren't, she would never change.
_ At 6 I got out of bed and retrieved my bags and started packing. I would call somebody to stay with for the night in the car. I was quiet as could be. My tears never stopped through out the night and they certainly poured heavily now. When everything was packed and loaded into the car I sat in a chair by Shane's side of the bed and watched her sleep. I sat there remembering how and why I fell in love with her torturing myself. I went into the kitchen and wrote the note that I would lay on my pillow, a note she would see when she woke up for work in a half hour.
_ Shane,
By the time you read this I'll be gone. You know how much I love you and you know we've been through so much together. And I'll always love you and always be here for you. But you also were my first heartbreak and I looked past that, and somehow I could even get past the fact that you cheated on me and didn't have the fucking audacity to tell me. I loved you enough to get through all that. You knew that. I took you back I gave you everything I had emotionally. I trusted you. Love can make you do some crazy shit, huh? But one thing I refuse to do is live with someone who puts me in the position to choose between having a place to call home or killing part of me. Because thats what you're doing by asking me to kill my baby. And you made it clear you won't raise any child but your own. So I'm being the adult and leaving. You can't be my top priority and yours. Don't worry about me and mine though, we'll be fine. Have a nice life.
-Nisa
_ After sitting the note on my pillow I got in my car and just drove until I thought of one person who I knew without a doubt could help me through this. Somebody who needed me rite now just as badly as I needed them.
_ “Hello?”
_ “Hey Granma Lottie.”
_ “Babydoll? What's wrong? You know what time it is?”
_ “I need a place to stay.” There was a beat of silence.
_ “I'll be up call me when you get here.”