I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKK!

Hello Lovez!!

Why yes in case yur wondering i am back..apparently the military didn't work out so well they found out i was anemic n some other crap i aint evn kno so im bak, been bak since Nov. 10th but i been dealin w. a lot of iish but ANYWHOSE im thinkin abt movin to tumblr i mean whose on blogspot? lol besides my l8 ass lmao ima copy n paste it'll b the same blog jus different place so i can do a lil more get the ball rollin. nah mean?? lol so 4 those of u who who r also followin me on twitter or the book of the face i'll keep u updated wen i decide to move 4 those of u who arent shame on u! lol jk but 4 u i'll post on here wen i move. kk?

Remember Lovez, Sometimes "what the hell." can be the best decision.

Much Respect, Peace nd Love
Kreative Rainbow

I've Had Writers Block Ya'll :-(

Sorry I haven't been writing lately ya'll. A lot had been going on in past couple months and I been a lil stressed and when I'm stressed my writing comes out strained like even the last chapter was a lil strained to me and I'm considering rewriting it. And when I get stressed I write poetry instead. So I'm sorry I been keeping ya'll waiting but I'll try to repost the last chapter and post chapter 6 before I leave 4 basic training for the air force next week. I love ya'll thanks for reading.

Hugz & Kissez
Bre

For The Love Of Charlotte Chptr 5

*DON'T REPORT ME LMAO*


_ I collapsed into the nearest chair, my mind racing, my heart now a steady nervous hum ringing in my ears. This can't be happening. This can't be happening. I repeated to myself. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath wishing with all my heart this was a dream. But, when I opened my eyes Shane was still standing in front of me wearing that look of hate that was supposed to be reserved for a stranger, not for someone she claimed she loved.
_ “Shane, I was going to t-” I started, I stared at my hands twisting them in my lap.
_ “How long have you known?”
_ “Just a day.”
_ “Why didn't you tell me when you found out?”
_ “Shane I just found out a day ago. I had to collect my thoughts an-”
_ “Does Telly know?” she interrupted.
_ “Yeah, but-.”
_ “When did you tell her?”
_ “Yesterday after I found out.”
_ “So you had you're thoughts collected enough to tell her, but not the person you claim you love?”
_ “Shane, I-”
_ “Who else knows?”
_ “I went to tell Granma Lottie today and thats it.” I said focusing my attention on the floor where my feet were planted I didn't dare look into Shane's eyes out of fear of what I would find there.
_ “So you drove an hour and a half to go tell your granma that you were pregnant, but couldn't tell the person you sleep next to every night?”
_ “I didn't know how to tell you.”
_ “You didn't know how to tell me?!” Shane exploded. “'Hey babe, I'm pregnant' would have done the trick or how about 'Guess what honey? I'm knocked up' or even better 'Shane I cheated on you and wasn't smart enough to use a fuckin' condom so now I'm pregnant.”
_ “I never cheated on you!” I yelled jumping up.
_ “Then how the fuck did you get pregnant? cause it damn sho ain't a dick between my legs”
_ “It happened when we broke up, I-”
_ “What you mean? We ain't never broke up.”
_ “Yes, Shane we did.”
_ “Are you talkin' about the break up thats on its way? Lets not count that one yet. We were on a break.”
_ I felt my mouth drop, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, not only had she just tried to play me like the fool thinking I didn't know about her and Kendra, she just told me we were on the verge of a break up. Didn't matter what I said or did after this conversation we were through. The pain of that realization alone was like slitting my own throat with a dull knife. “Shane, I've known about you and Kendra for God only knows how long now.” I watched her eyes buck in shock and her nostrils flare. “Telly happened to be at the club and saw you with her. You know right after you looked me in my eyes and promised me that you would wait for me. She took pictures because she knew I wouldn't believe her. You thought I wouldn't find out?! And what the fuck you mean we were on a break?! You said you would wait for me Shane. YOU SAID! I didn't trap you into staying.”
_ “We not on me right now.”
_ “Oh, but we are because apparently you were on me just a second ago for cheatin' when yo lyin' ass been creepin' around this whole time! What the fuck was that about when you came to my parents house beggin' me to take you back, huh? Or was that just for me to forgive you for some shit you thought I didn't know you had done? You know what makes this shit hilarious? If it hadn't been for you cheatin' with that hoe, Telly never would've saw you, there wouldn't have been no pictures and no reason for me to have called Austin asking him out.”
_ “Don't try to put this all on me. I didn't put a fuckin' gun to your head and make you fuck him. You did that shit all on your own.”
_ “You think I did this shit on purpose? You think I tried to get pregnant?!”
_ “Well, you didn't wear a condom so obviously.”
_ I sat there staring at her. The eyes that could make me fall in love all over again now gave me a look that caused me almost physical pain. This morning she kissed me good-bye how did everything get so turned around. How did this happen? How did my life spiral so out of control?
_ “Baby,” I said hearing my voice waiver and crack. “What do you want me to do? I didn't want this, I didn't ask for it. The only baby I ever dreamed of having is yours. I'm so sorry. I want this all to go away. I want to fix it. I want our life back........tell me how to fix it.” The tears came somewhere in all my begging and pleading and now formed a steady flowing river down my face. Then I felt hands, gentle and apologetic , wipe the tears from my eyes.
_ “I want all of that, too.”
_ “Tell me what to do to fix it.”
_ “You could get rid of it.”
_ “What?”
_ “You said you only dreamed of having my baby. I want us to start fresh. We can't do that if you're walking around with his baby.”
_ “Why not?”
_ “Cause it won't be mine.”
_ “Says who?”
_ “Me.”
_ “But.....I can't.”
_ “Yes, you can. I'll go with you if it makes you feel better.”
_ “No, I really can't. Do you honestly think that if I could have went through with an abortion that I would've told you? I can't, Shane, I just can't.”
_ “Well then I'll put it to you this way, it's either me or it.” There we're no words for how I felt at that moment. How could anybody that said they loved me force me to make such a decision? Shane had a part of me, a part that I couldn't live without. She had my heart. But how far is too far for love? Is it justified to kill something so innocent just because I want someone next to me at night? My child was apart of me, physically, spiritually, emotionally. A mother's love is unconditional and technically I was a mother now. I became a mother the moment I found out I was pregnant. If I chose Shane there was a strong possibility I would resent her for the rest of my life. If I chose to keep my baby, I wouldn't have a place to live, nowhere to go. Which would I choose?
_ “I choose you.” I said looking into her eyes.
_ “We'll call to make an appointment tomorrow.” She stood there smiling in satisfaction and it took all I had to keep the scream building in my chest contained. I felt as if I had just signed over my soul in my baby's blood. I kept my eyes close trying to keep the tears to a minimum. Shane leaned down to kiss me and I turned my head. I didn't want her anywhere near me. She walked into the bedroom leaving me with my thoughts. I cried for hours until I decided to go to sleep, but when I got in the bed the tears started again because she was there. I sat in a chair in our bedroom and watched her sleep as my eyes adjusted to the light. I could feel hatred building for her in the pit of my stomach until I got too tired to think about anything anymore. I laid on the couch and cried myself to sleep.
_ When I woke to the bright, yellow rays of sun in my face and the pain in my side when I tried to roll over I thought sleeping on the couch was a mistake, but I knew if I slept in the bed I wouldn't have gotten any sleep at all. As I sat up a piece of paper slid off my chest in Shane's handwriting.
_ “Nisa,
I called your job and told them you weren't feeling well, so you have the day off. I also called the clinic the next two weeks is full, but I got you one exactly two weeks from now.
Love, Shane”
_ I felt my eyes prick as if I was getting ready to cry but nothing came out. I guess I had ran out of tears between yesterday and today. I sat up and scooted to the edge of the couch closest to the window. I stared at the clear blue sky without emotion. Nor did I bother to move when I heard Shane's ringtone play on my phone in the other room. I sat there taking emotional punches at myself. It was good that I was having the abortion. A good mother wouldn't have thought twice about choosing her child let alone actually chose herself over her child. My baby deserved better. I sat there taking emotional punches at Shane as well. I used to think that Shane was too good for me, that she gave me royal treatment on my bitchiest days. Now I couldn't decide which of us was worse the mother that chose herself over her baby or the person that asked her to choose. I sat there watching the sun change directions in the sky. I sat there watching the shadows move about the room. Every now and then a tear would fall, like when I started thinking about what my baby would've looked like if I wasn't so selfish, or how her personality would be.
_ It seemed like minutes later Shane came bursting through the door as if the apartment was on fire.
_ “Nisa, I been calling you. Where is your phone?”
_ I watched a group of birds fly overhead.
_ “Nisa?”
_ I watched a plane fly by, thought about all the people who had various places to go.
_ “Nisa!?”
_ I watched a cloud float by and block the sun.
_ “Anisa!?” She had gotten in my face yelling and waving like a crazy person by then, but I kept my eyes on the outside of the window. She tried pulling my face toward her, but my eyes stayed on the outside of the window. She tried standing in front of my view but my eyes looked past her out the window. Eventually, she gave up and went in the room. I watched as the clear blue in the sky faded to pastel oranges and pinks, and as the sun started to make its slow but gradual disappearance behind the clouds. Shane stayed in the bedroom, only coming out to eat and use the bathroom, but she didn't bother me once.
_ I slept on the couch again that night. When I woke up I found another note from Shane much like the day before saying she had called my job and told them I had a stomach virus. To Shane that's probably exactly what my baby was, a stomach virus. Something terrible making me sick. I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my stomach and ran to the bathroom to throw up, though I hadn't ate anything. I hadn't ate in the last two days and I still wasn't hungry. Even though I probably should eat for the baby. Why? You're just going to kill it anyway? I thought to myself harshly. Instead of fighting the voice like I knew I should I went back to the couch and sat there staring out the window for the second day in a row without moving.
_ Shane came home and tried once to get my attention before repeating the same routine as the previous day. I started thinking about how everything had changed. Shane had never been this selfish, at least I never thought she had. I always thought that when it came to our relationship she put my needs before hers. I thought that when we took our “break” that she was doing it because of me, because she didn't want me torn between my family. Or maybe she just wanted an excuse to hook up with Kendra and she knew pathetic ass me would still be home waiting. Yesterday, when I came home I had someone to hold me and tell me everything would be okay no matter what. All the times she told me she loved me, she told me how much, she told me she would do anything for me, anything to be with me, was bullshit in my eyes. If she really loved me, truly, there would be no place she should be right now but by my side.
_Would I be feeling like this if I had chose my baby? I would be crying sure but I wouldn't be sitting here literally making myself sick. And suddenly everything in my mind had changed again, at least to me it did, and I knew it was the right decision because I felt butterflies in my stomach. I was about to make the decision that would change my life forever. Without the slightest hesitation I got up and walked into the bedroom. Shane was laying on her back watching TV.
_ “Don't get up.” I said, getting on top of her. I leaned in and gave what was to me the most passionate-and unbeknowest to her- last kiss. This was something I never wanted to forget, she was something I never wanted to forget. I couldn't deny that I was still in love with Shane, even after all the shit she put me through. Because that's what real love is. I just realized that I was the only one who felt it. And right now I wanted to make love to her for the last time. I wanted to have one more perfect night, because after I said what I had to say tomorrow there probably wouldn't be a Shane and I.
_ As the kissing progressed I unbraided her hair so she would already know what I wanted. I wanted my hands everywhere, my lips, I wanted to express just how much I loved her physically. When I got her hair unbraided I tangled both my hands in it, I let every strand wrap it's way around my fingers etching the feel into my memory. I remembered the way her lips felt on my skin as she made her way to my neck. The feel of being on fire, without pain. I remembered the way her skin felt underneath my fingertips, like running them over silk. As my hands ran over her breasts and my lips followed behind them, the sound of her moans filled my ears and mind and burned its way into my memory, although I was sure I already wouldn't forget. I bit and sucked her nipples until I felt her crossing and uncrossing her legs and I bit my lip because I knew how wet she would be and I couldn't wait to taste. I kissed my way down to her belly button and slowly removed her sweats as my lips got lower and lower. Her pussy was clean shaven and dripping. I licked from bottom to top watching as she arched her back. I stuck my tongue inside the prize and was instantly addicted to the taste. I licked and sucked, not just for her pleasure but because I simply couldn't get enough. When I felt her legs shaking I was sad because-to me- it was over too quickly. As she exploded from the inside out, gripping my hair to hold on to reality as she floated from her little piece of heaven, the moment felt bittersweet.
_ Shane laid me back on the bed and started removing my clothes piece by piece. I tried to move what I was going to do to the furthest part of my mind and just enjoy the moment because there wouldn't be another and I had to keep reminding myself of that. As Shane kissed my neck and breasts I felt the feeling of being on fire again and held on to it. She kissed down to the lining of my boy-shorts before taking them off with her teeth. Her head bobbed and weaved and she did shit with her tongue that should be illegal in all 50 states. I moaned louder and louder, hearing them bounce off the walls. I felt the release building in my stomach and I looked down at her and there was the look. As soon as I looked into her eyes I came hard and long. And as though the last couple days didn't exist she took me into her arms and held me tight and close. I cried silent tears that night, wishing hard that things were different. But, they weren't, she would never change.
_ At 6 I got out of bed and retrieved my bags and started packing. I would call somebody to stay with for the night in the car. I was quiet as could be. My tears never stopped through out the night and they certainly poured heavily now. When everything was packed and loaded into the car I sat in a chair by Shane's side of the bed and watched her sleep. I sat there remembering how and why I fell in love with her torturing myself. I went into the kitchen and wrote the note that I would lay on my pillow, a note she would see when she woke up for work in a half hour.
_ Shane,
By the time you read this I'll be gone. You know how much I love you and you know we've been through so much together. And I'll always love you and always be here for you. But you also were my first heartbreak and I looked past that, and somehow I could even get past the fact that you cheated on me and didn't have the fucking audacity to tell me. I loved you enough to get through all that. You knew that. I took you back I gave you everything I had emotionally. I trusted you. Love can make you do some crazy shit, huh? But one thing I refuse to do is live with someone who puts me in the position to choose between having a place to call home or killing part of me. Because thats what you're doing by asking me to kill my baby. And you made it clear you won't raise any child but your own. So I'm being the adult and leaving. You can't be my top priority and yours. Don't worry about me and mine though, we'll be fine. Have a nice life.
-Nisa
_ After sitting the note on my pillow I got in my car and just drove until I thought of one person who I knew without a doubt could help me through this. Somebody who needed me rite now just as badly as I needed them.
_ “Hello?”
_ “Hey Granma Lottie.”
_ “Babydoll? What's wrong? You know what time it is?”
_ “I need a place to stay.” There was a beat of silence.
_ “I'll be up call me when you get here.”

For the Love Of Charlotte Chptr 4

_ I gazed out the window, staring blankly at the stretch of trees until the leaves morphed into a steady green blur. I was grateful when Telly offered to drive to Granma Lottie's because I was in no condition or mood to drive, I was also grateful that I had an hour and a half to think about what I was going to say. My grandmother stayed in a small town miles away from the nearest city where the rest of my family stayed. I used to love coming to see her as a little girl just me and my little sister, Ashley. The fresh air, open space, and long summer days were something Ashley and I didn't get back home. We were rarely allowed anywhere but the front yard, which was barely big as a small apartment bedroom. Granma Lottie was old school but really hands on. She made lemonade from actual lemons, chocolate chip cookies from scratch, fresh pancakes and bacon in the morning, and sewing in the living room at night. Then she would turn around and go swimming in the lake down the street from her house with us and get on all the rides at the fair-whenever it came-even though she was deathly afraid of heights, she would chase us with the water hose and sometimes- if her back was acting rite- she would take us camping. I smiled at the memory, reminiscing of the days when things were simple. Granma Lottie was also the easiest person for me to talk to, whenever my mother and I would clash I would pick up the phone and call Granma. How would I tell her the situation I had gotten myself into now? She'll probably think I'm fickle and can't make up my mind. She might even side with my parents on this one. I could almost hear her saying “Well Babydoll, you made your bed now you gotta lay in it.” The knot in my stomach tightened when the houses sporadically placed on the side of the road turned into businesses meaning we were getting closer.
_ “You hungry?” Telly asked suddenly, causing me to jump an inch out of my seat.
_ “You're hungry?” I asked in disbelief still holding my chest. “Why didn't you eat before you left the house?”
_ “Oh my gosh, you're so right I should have grabbed something in the 45 minutes I even knew about the appointment.”
_ “You would've had plenty of time had Carter not been there.”
_ “Isn't there a McDonald's around here?” Telly asked ignoring my statement.
_ “There should be one in a few minutes.”
_ A couple songs on the radio later and we were pulling out of the drive-thru. I got a large fry and a vanilla shake. Telly on the other hand ordered damn near everything on the Dollar-Menu.
_ “How much longer to Lottie's?” Telly asked after finishing her double cheese-burger.
_ “Like, 5 minutes.”
_ “You gon' have to tell me exactly what street to turn on it's been so long.”
_ “Tell me about it. I used to visit twice a month if I could. It's not even that now between working full time and keeping Shane occupied.”
_ “Speaking of Shane do you know how you're going to tell her yet?” She asked cautiously, looking at me out the side of her eyes.
_ “No.”
_ “Nisa, you need to tell her before she finds out on her own and trust me her hearing it from you will be like an air bag. It won't stop the pain, but it'll cushion the blow.”
_ “Whose gon' tell her? The only people who know are my doctor and you and, hopefully, Granma after today.”
_ “So you plan on not telling her?!”
_ “I plan on telling her on my own time, actually” Telly shook her head in disbelief. “I don't know how to tell her.”
_ “'Hey, Babe, I'm pregnant' could work.”
_ “It's not that simple.” I whispered.
_ “Well, it sure as hell doesn't have to be that complicated.”
_ “Turn here.”
_ The rest of the drive was silent except for a turn here every now and then. When we pulled up to the house I knew something wasn't right. My mother's car was out front and she never came to visit to my Granma. Especially not since they had that falling out about me and my sexual preferences. When I knocked on the screen door I heard laughing and talking.
_ “Granma Lottie!”
_ “Babydoll!!!” I heard her first and then I saw her not looking a day over 45 when in reality she was close to 70. Her sapphire blue eyes sparkled with excitement like a little kid who had just won a trip to Disney Land. She had on jeans and a lime green and white polka dotted shirt. Her long salt and pepper colored hair was pulled back into a ponytail because of the August heat. Her arms were open wide and when I ran into them I felt a wave of peace surrounding me.
_ “Hey Lottie.” I heard Telly say from behind me. I felt my Granma wave and then she squeezed me extra tight.
_ When she let me go I saw my mother standing directly behind what looked like a mirror image of myself at 16. Ashley stood in front of my mother and looked more and more like me everyday. The only difference between her and myself was that Ashley's eyes were a soft, creamy brown.
_ “Hey sissy!” I exclaimed hugging her as tight as I could.
_ “Hi Nisi!” Ashley yelled.
_ “Man, you know we could be twins now?”
_ “I know. You should see how many people mistake me for you on our street. At least until they get up close and notice the eyes.”
_ “Hey ma.” I said reluctantly addressing my mother.
_ “Nisa, could I see you in the kitchen please?” she asked before turning and walking it the opposite direction.
_ “Gee, mom life is swell thanks for asking.” I replied allowing my voice to drip with sarcasm.
_ “I didn't ask for the attitude, Anisa. Just bring your ass in the kitchen.” my mother said not bothering to turn around. I looked at Ashley who shrugged, then at Telly who had her “Giiiiiiirrrrrrrl” look on her face, finally at my grandmother who just shook her head.
_ My mother was already sitting at the table as I made my way into the kitchen. She sat with her arms and legs crossed which told me right off the bat she had an attitude. Of course I had nothing to do with the reason why she had the attitude but that wouldn't stop her from taking it out on me. I took a deep breath, counted to 10 and sat down in the seat across from her. She sat there staring at me for what felt like hours and I learned from the days she froze me out after telling her I was gay that looking away from one of her stares was worse than putting up with the attitude.
_ “What is it mother?” I asked irritatedly after several more minutes of complete silence.
_ “Your grandmother is sick.” She replied without hesitance, as if she had been waiting on me to ask.
_ “What?”
_ “She doesn't know that I know. Her doctor called me because she couldn't get in touch with her after she was diagnosed. She says her condition is accelerated. When she couldn't get in touch with her she feared she had hurt herself or some other danger so she called me.”
_ “Ma, you're not making any sense. What is she diagnosed with? Why haven't you told her that you know or even Ashley for that matter? And why are you telling me?”
_ “Her doctor says she's being stubborn she won't come in to receive a prescription, she won't return her phone calls, she won't even accept her requests to get a second opinion, Anisa it's like she's just waiting to die. I haven't told her because she'll just get upset and say its none of my business and I don't want Ashley worrying unnecessarily.”
_ “Okay....why me?” I asked still confused and feeling a little bit worried myself.
_ “You're her favorite. I need you to convince her to at least call her doctor back and listen to reason.”
_ “Okay. I'll talk to her.” I sighed staring at the table. My mother got up and started to walk back into the living room. She appeared 5 years older just from having the conversation.
_ “Hey ma,” I called. She turned to face me. “What is it? That she's diagnosed with?”
_ “Alzheimer's.”
_ She walked out of the kitchen leaving me there with my thoughts and emotions. A normal mother would have comforted me, wrapped her arms around me, told me it would be okay, something. Of course my mother hasn't touched me. Scared to death she'll catch the “Homo Flu”.
_ “Ashley, it's time to go.” I heard my mother announce from the living room.
_ “Can I stay, mom?”
_ “No, get up, let's go.”
_ “Come on Mom, we haven't seen Granma in forever.”
_ “Ashley, I'm not going to ask a third time.”
_ I snapped out of the trance I was in and walked into the living room.
_ “Ma, I'll take her home.” I offered. I knew Ashley needed a get away. Hell I remember when I needed a get away and Granma's was the only place I could come.
_ My mother looked from me to Ashley and back at me again before she mumbled a fine and left out the door. Ashley mouthed a thank you and I smiled. There was a moment of silence and I knew everybody was waiting on me to say something else but I stood there staring at the ground trying to get my words together. I felt immensely guilty. I've always tried to call my Granma every day but I've been so tired the last couple months that the calls have slipped to one or twice a week at most. Had I been calling more often I would have noticed the signs. How advanced was it? Had she already begun forgetting little things? I sighed internally. I had to find a way to get her alone so I could talk to her about it. I still didn't want Ashley to know yet. She was a worrywart. As if on cue Ash's stomach growled so loud that we all broke out into laughter. I tossed my keys to Telly.
_ “Hey why don't you take Ash around the corner back to that McDonald's? That way you can get that one dude's number you thought was cute.”
_ “Okay. Come on kidd.”
_ When they left I took Ashley's place next to my Granma and waited a little longer to compose exactly what I wanted to say. It must've been on my face that I was contemplating something.
_ “What is it Babydoll?”
_ “Granma, why didn't you tell me you were diagnosed with Alzheimer's?” I said not wanting to beat around the bush.
_ “Because it was nothing.” she replied not the least bit surprised that I knew.
_ “Your doctor said it's accelerated, what does that mean? Did you go get a second opinion?”
_ “I got a second and a third and the third said it was worst than what my doctor told me. I'm already in stage 3.”
_ “Then why haven't you been trying to get help?”
_ “Baby, there ain't no cure for this here. Any medicine I take will be prolonging the inevitable.”
_ “But if you don't take anything the more you'll progress and.....” I took a deep breath. “And I want you here when your great grandbaby is born.”
_ I heard her gasp and then she went silent. She didn't scold me and she didn't yell. I looked into her face and instead of seeing a look of disgust or detest like I would have gotten from my mother, her eyes were filled tears.
_ “Oh baby.” she said taking me into her arms. I knew right then all my fears about how she would take my pregnancy had been foolish. She knew I would never do this on purpose and she could tell that I was as scared as I looked. “How far along are you?”
_ “3 months.” I said through sobs. I proceeded to tell her who, what, and when. I'm pretty sure she could manage with the how. After what felt like hours of crying and talking Telly and Ashley finally returned. I guess Telly knew I needed sometime alone with Lottie and I was grateful for that even though it wasn't for the reason she thought.
_ We stayed a little while longer before I decided I needed to get Ashley home because it was a school night and I needed to get home before Shane started freaking out. I already had 9 voicemails from her and countless texts. Only God knows how many times she called because I had turned my phone off. Lottie was sad to see us go but I satisfied her some with promises to come back next weekend with Shane and to call as often as I could.
_ I dropped Ash off first because she was closest. She talked non-stop about problems going on at school and her friends and love interests and I started feeling bad again because I hadn't been calling Ash as much either. I made a mental note to call her tomorrow too.
_ “So did you tell her?” Telly asked anxiously when Ash was out of the car.
_ “Yeah, thanks for occupying Ashley for me.”
_ “No problem, she's not as bad as she used to be when we were younger.”
_ “Telly, Lottie has Alzheimer's.” I blurted out keeping my eyes on the road.
_ “That's what your mom wanted to talk to you about, huh?”
_ “Yeah, and Telly it's bad. She's already in stage 3 like its accelerated or something.”
_ “Wow. I take it Ash doesn't know.”
_ “No mom doesn't want to upset her. Ashley'll obsess over it and worry.”
_ “Does she know about the baby?”she asked tentatively.
_ “Yeah, and she wasn't nearly as bad as I know my parents will be. You saw my mom today.”
_ “Girl, yeah, who put the stick up her ass?”
_ I giggled. “That's just mom.”
_ “I'm just sayin' in case she hasn't noticed you are grown now.”
_ “Lottie thinks I'm having a girl.”
_ “Really?” Telly squealed with excitement. “Is that what you want?”
_ “I just want a healthy baby.” I said putting one hand over my stomach as I drove.
_ I dropped Telly off at her apartment after giving her a hug and thanking her for being there. I truly would have lost it if it wasn't for Telly. Routinely I called Shane to see if she wanted anything before I came home, but strangely she didn't answer. When I pulled up to our apartment complex her car was there. The window which I had been standing in earlier this morning-which seemed like another life ago- was dark so the lights were off. Maybe she's sleeping, I thought to myself which didn't seem like a bad idea. Mentally I was exhausted I was suddenly craving the blissful unconsciousness of sleep. When I went into the apartment it was quiet and dark except for the red light on the answering machine.
_ “Baby!” I called into the darkness.
_ Suddenly a light flipped on and there she was. She looked as if she had been crying and now just wore a look of pure hate on her face. Her presence startled me so that I jumped.
_ “Shit!” I yelled clutching my chest. “Baby you scared me.”
_ “I'm sorry. Didn't mean to.” I walked over to give her a kiss. “You have a message.” She said before my lips touched hers.
_ “Okay, I'll check it later. How was your day?” I said putting my purse and keys down by the door.
_ “You should really check it now.” She said interrupting the end of my sentence.
_ “Oookay.” I walked over to the answering machine and pushed the replay button.
_ “Hi Ms. Baptist this is Kim from Doctor Golliday's office.” My heart stopped as soon as I recognized the name and voice. I could feel Shane's eyes burning a head into the back of my skull so there was no need to look her way. “You left out so fast we didn't get to schedule your ultrasound appointment for next month. Unfortunately, the number we have for your cell was disconnected so I'm guessing you got a new number. Congratulations by the way. We'll set your appointment for the 15th of September and make sure you bring a blank tape or DVD to get the baby's heartbeat. Have a good night.” I sat there staring at the answering machine for a full five minutes before I heard Shane behind me.
_ “Anything you wanna tell me?”

For the Love Of Charlotte Chptr 3

_ I pulled Shane closer and closer, though I could already feel her heart beating wildly against my own chest, her breathing ragged as we continued to get tangled into the kiss that seemed to be intensifying. Impossible, but I could feel the point of stopping becoming further and further from my reach the more tangled my hands become in her hair and the more our bodies intertwined. I wished fervently that I could weld us into one person, to make her feel the crushing love, want, desire, and adoration I had for her, all of which fueled the the need I felt for her now. I untangled one of my hands in her hair and started reaching up her shirt, under her sports bra. I grabbed her breast, warm and erect under my hand, and started massaging. I smiled when I heard the familiar moan leave her lips that still sent shivers down my spine. I planted small kisses to her neck, loving the way her body tensed as I bit, sucked and licked the erect nipple, loving even more how her hands tightened in my hair begging me not to stop. I started to pull her shirt over her head but she pulled my face back to her lips and the kissing began again. My tongue gently stroked her bottom lip, making circles that I knew would drive her insane. I felt her crossing and uncrossing her legs, I felt my mouth watering at just the thought of how wet she would be, how she would taste. My hands went for her basketball shorts making my way down to her pussy. Until she grabbed my wrist.
_ “Baby, stop.” she said with her eyes closed, biting her lip.
_ “ Why?” I asked trying to break the iron grip she had on my wrist.
_ “Aren't you on your period?”
_ “Huh?”
_ “I saw a pad in the trash. It's yours isn't it?”
_ What the hell was she talking about? I sat there with a confused look on my face for half a second before I remembered that Telly was over earlier. It had to have been her because it damn sure wasn't me. I wanted to say no, with all of me I did but I knew eventually- if not tomorrow or tonight- it would raise questions. Questions I didn't have the answer to right now. Although I've always been irregular, I've never missed two periods in a row.
_ “I'm bleeding really light.” I lied pulling my hand back from the waistline of her shorts. “It's my first day, so I barely noticed.”
_ “At least you only stay on for three days. And you know as much as I would love for you to make love to me.” she replied stroking my cheek. “I wanna be able to please you too.”
_ “I know.”
_ “So lets just get back to watching TV, okay?”
_ “Okay.” I sighed.
_ We sat there for a couple minutes watching I Love Lucy reruns. Her arms were wrapped tightly around me, our hands intertwined. I could feel her face buried in my hair breathing in the scent of the vanilla honey shampoo I used, I knew it was her favorite. For the tenth time I wondered if this would change once I had my baby. How much would we change? How much of our relationship?
_ “Hey babe? Do you work tomorrow?” Shane asked suddenly.
_ “Nah, you know I don't work on the weekends unless its an emergency. Why whats up?”
_ “Just asking. I wanted to call off so we can chill together, but I promised Kelly I would take her shift tomorrow.”
_ “That's okay baby. I already made plans with Telly.” and I needed to make some with a doctor I added in my head. “We're going out to eat and then we're gonna go see Lottie.”
_ “Aw, man. I haven't seen Lottie in awhile.”
_ “I know. Hey, I'll tell you what. Maybe next weekend we can go. Just the two of us.”
_ “Okay.”
_ Satisfied that I had finally made some alone time plans with Shane, I laid my head on her chest listening to the steady rhythm of her heart. Since Shane and I started living together I've gotten used to the thrum of her heart beating in my ear. Most times it lulls me to sleep and others it keeps me calm whenever I'm stressing, like now for instance. Even though I had yet to make a doctors appointment I knew my body and I knew I was pregnant. The last couple months I had been so tired, but I thought it was just because my job was working me so hard. I had been really moody too, but now I think Shane's writing that off as PMS and when I get off work I'm always hungry. Now that I thought about it- really sat down and thought about it- the signs were here right in front of my face . . . how could I not have noticed? How could Shane not have noticed? I mean I know she was a stud and all (a chick who dresses like a guy) but some of the femininity had to still be there. I sighed wishing I could talk to her about it but I wanted to have the answers to all the questions I knew she would have. I tightened my arms around her not wanting the tears welling up in my eyes to overflow, if they did I knew she would freak and hassle me until I told her.
_ “Baby, you okay?” she asked, noticing that I had tightened my grip around her waist.
_ “Yeah,” I sighed. “I just really need you to hold me.” When she wrapped her arms around me I felt all the worries I had disappear and I smiled. That is, until I remembered the child growing inside me, the child that wasn't Shane's and the smile faded as quickly as it had come. Eventually the sound of Shane's heart thrumming in my ear pulled me under and I fell into peaceful unconsciousness.
_ The sky was a pale pink when I opened my eyes early the next morning. Shane had just unwrapped her arms from around me and was tiptoeing to the bathroom. She turned when she heard me sitting up.
_ “I'm sorry, Nisi. I tried not to wake you.” She pouted, truly upset that she had disturbed my sleep.
_ “It's okay boo.” I replied trying to remember why I was in the living room instead of my bed. “Damn, we fell asleep on the couch?” I could already feel the tension spots in my back from the uncomfortable couch cushions.
_ Without giving it a second thought, Shane walked back to the couch and swooped me into her arms.
_ “How about I take you to bed before I go to work and when I get off tonight I'll give you a full body massage.” Shane offered before gently laying me on the bed.
_ “Thank you, baby.” she smiled at me before giving me a quick on the lips and heading to the bathroom for her shower.
_ The clock on my nightstand read 7:30 AM in glowing red numbers. I waited until I heard water running and the shower door slide closed before I jumped up and ran to the dresser where my phone sat charging. I scrolled through the numbers until I saw my doctor's. I knew Shane's showers lasted around ten minutes so I had to be quick.
_ “Dr. Golliday's office, this is Kim speaking. How may I help you?” a polite receptionist answered on the third ring.
_ “Hi Kim. My name is Anisa Baptist. I would like to make an emergency appointment with Dr. Golliday please.”
_ “Okay Ms. Baptist. When would you like to make the appointment?”
_ “Does she have any openings today?” I asked peeking around the corner, knowing the shower was drawing to a close.
_ “The only opening she has today is at 9 AM. Is that okay?”
_ “That's perfect.” Shane would just be getting to work and I still would have time to visit Granma Lottie.
_ “Okay Ms. Baptist we'll see you at 9.”
_ “Thank you, Kim.” I hung up the phone just as the water shut off. I quickly turned my phone off, so the glow from the backlight wouldn't catch her attention and put the phone back in place. I ran to the bed and jumped under the covers, pretending to be asleep. I focused on my breathing trying to make it as even as possible as I heard the door open.
_ I listened as Shane did odds and ends around the room. I hoped she put her dirty clothes in the hamper. I constantly have to remind her that I work at an advertising company, not as a maid. I heard her go back into the bathroom and brush her teeth. I heard her gargle the mouthwash for exactly 30 seconds and I resisted the urge to giggle aloud at how precise she was with her morning routine. Then suddenly it was quiet, way too quiet. My back was facing toward the bathroom if I peeked I would see if she was still in the room.After a couple minutes of debating with myself, I opened my eyes the tiniest bit so not to give away my facade. Shane was standing in front of the mirror braiding her hair into its usual 7 braids down the back of her head. I noticed she was getting faster at it. She was already halfway done. I turned on my other side to get comfy, though I had no intention of going back to sleep. I waited patiently listening to the silence, counting my breaths. 129 breaths later I heard soft padded footsteps on the carpet getting louder and louder so I knew Shane was walking towards me. I felt her lips- always soft and gentle- kiss my forehead. I felt a touch of emotion that she still kissed my forehead when she left for work.
_ I heard the thudded footsteps of her work shoes on the hardwood floor in the living room. I knew she was grabbing her lunch she made for herself last night before I came home, then I heard the door close. I waited few minutes before I got out the bed and walked to the living room window. The sun was beginning to peek over the clouds, casting pale pink and lavender shades of light through the window. I looked down at the empty parking space by the door where Shane's car used to be making sure she was gone. After making my daily pot of coffee I called Telly to wake her up. She wasn't exactly a happy camper that the appointment was so early.
_ I was dressed in my usual jeans and a t-shirt-the perfect outfit combination- and some flip flops, watching early morning cartoons when Telly finally made it to the house.
_ “Damn, what took you so long?” I asked opening the door. “It's 8:45.”
_ “I know what time it is.” Telly snapped. “Carter spent the night last night. I had to get him up so he wouldn't be late for work.”
_ “Ooooooh wow, Carter.” I said sarcastically.
_ “Don't start.”
_ “Whatever. You driving?”
_ “Hell no. I don't know where your doctor's office is.”
_ “I always drive.” I said sucking my teeth, but grabbing my keys on our way out the door.
_ The drive to the doctors office was a quiet one, but I didn't expect Telly to be exactly talkative after dealing with Carter. Carter was Telly's fiancé up until she caught him cheating, in her apartment no less. Telly would've forgiven him and taken him back if it wasn't for the fact that his live-in girlfriend called Telly and explained that she and Carter had been together for 2 and a half years and she was pregnant by him in turn making Telly the “chick on the side”. I would love to say that Telly dealt with Carter because she loved the excitement, but I know she still loves him-I mean she was planning a fall wedding with him- even though that's not the case for Carter. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Somebody at home with the kids while he gets his on the side. I tried talking to Telly-more than once actually- to make her see reason, but you can't talk somebody out of love. It's easy to say why you shouldn't love a person, but why we love who we love is complicated. Eventually, I stopped trying trying to talk to Telly she would see on her own and in light of my predicament I wasn't about to bring up now.
_ When we pulled up to the small brick building nestled behind a small shopping center I suddenly felt nervous. The reality hit me harder than it had in my bathroom. I hesitated with my hand on the door handle. What if I wasn't pregnant? Then why the hell haven't you had a period, I thought to myself. What if was? Shane and I haven't talked about kids before. The subject had never been brought up. Did that mean she didn't want them at all? Would she want my baby? Would she walk out on us both? I started feeling lightheaded. Why hadn't I thought of these questions at first? Why did the same questions keep making their way into my consciousness? Most of all, what made me so sure I could do this? What made me so sure I could be a mother?
_ “Nisa?” Telly asked. I was still frozen, my hand on the handle. The lightheadedness came on stronger, faster. Why was the car spinning?
_ “Nisa, breathe.” Telly was around to my side of the car kneeling in front of me. I hadn't realized I was holding my breath. I exhaled feeling the dizziness disappear with the air released from my lungs.
_ “What's wrong? Are you sick?” I shook my head no
_ “Do you feel queasy?” Again, I shook my head no.
_ “Then what is it?”
_ “I'm scared, Telly.” I whispered.
_ “That's why I'm here.”She smiled. “So you don't have to be.”
_ I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car into the warm late August air. Telly had her hand firmly on my arm as we walked up the small sidewalk to the doctors office. I was really glad Telly was there to hold my hand but I wished it was Shane. I needed for her to tell me it was going to be okay, but as long as I kept this secret from her I would always be unsure if we would be okay again.
_ The small waiting room had one other occupant. A tall, tanned man sat on the opposite of Telly and I. He kept himself occupied by flipping through what looked like the only masculine magazine in the room. He looked nervous by the way his leg was shaking and the way he glanced at the clock above the entry way every other minute. He looked every bit as nervous and anxious as I felt. A short pale woman walked out of the room in the next second and from the glow on her face it was plain to see whatever was told to her was good news. She walked over to where the man now stood. All she did was nod her head yes and he picked her up in an excited hug. The kiss they shared after the hug was so intimate and private I felt the need to look away, like when you're a kid watching a sex scene with your parents.
_ “Ms. Baptist?” the nurse standing in the entry way called. “Dr. Golliday is ready to see you now.”
_ Telly stood with me like we were linked. She still had grip on my arm like we were walking on ice. I was glad she did because I started to feel dizzy again.
_ “I'm sorry, Ms. Baptist, she can't come in with you.”
_ “What?” I looked at the nurse like she had lost her mind. I couldn't do this by myself. I needed Telly. My legs felt like rubber.
_ “It's okay.” Telly said. I shook my head “no”. “Yes, it is. You're not doing this for me. You're doing this for your baby. Let that be your strength.” I knew she was right. My child should have been all the strength I needed but I was still scared.
_ The nurse took my arm from Telly and we walked into the small hallway that smelled strongly of hand sanitizer. I turned around to see Telly's encouraging smile just as the door closed.

For the Love Of Charlotte Chptr 2

_Telly was at the apartment in less than 10 minutes, her chocolate brown eyes full of worry. When I opened the door I broke down in her arms, shaking her with my tears. She held me patiently, though I could tell she was dying to know what had happened. When I first told Telly about the night I had with Austin I was really vague on the details. So when she sat me on the couch and waited for me to start my story I predicted the look of surprise that pulled her perfectly arched eyebrows almost an inch above her round, full eyes when I started at the night with Austin 3 months ago. Around 4:30 I suggested we go get something to eat. I wasn't hungry, but I wasn't ready to face Shane yet either-who would be getting off work in a half hour- plus Telly and I weren't done talking. We ended up at Layers, sitting at a table in the far back so no one could overhear. Telly listened intently to my story, not interrupting once or making faces when I described the sex between Austin and I-although she did laugh-she wore the same surprised expression.
_“What are you gonna do now?” Telly asked, taking a bite of her Cesar Salad.
_“I don't know.” I replied shaking my head, twirling the top of my soda bottle between my fingers. I looked around at the small, but crowded coffee shop. It had a very adventurous theme. Pictures of the owner mountain climbing, scuba diving, biking through the woods, camping and a lot of other activities I could never see myself doing were plastered all over the wall. We sat in the back by a small stone fire place in a corner near a large glass window almost as big as the wall itself. It had started to rain and people that were out-mostly college students from the university around the corner-ran through the rain to get to their destinations.
_“Well, first things first. Are you keeping it?”
_My head snapped up in surprise. I knew I shouldn't be mad I had thought the same thing myself in the apartment, but the idea of hurting my baby in any form would be hurting me. “Are you suggesting that I 'get rid of it'?” I whispered fiercely across the table.
_“No, I-”
_“Then what exactly are you saying Telly?”
_“I'm just pointing out that if you decide to have this baby-”
_ “There is no if.” I said cutting my eyes at her. “I'm having this baby.”
_ “Then you're life is about to get a helluva lot more complicated than it already is. Have you thought about what you're going to say to your parents? What about Shane? I know you didn't forget about her. What are you going to tell her? Huh?”
_ “I don't know.” I whispered softly avoiding her eyes. Instead I focused on the puddles in the street to determine how hard the rain was falling.
_ “What about Austin? He's the baby's father, Nisa he has legal rights to that child. Or was he just the sperm donor? Is he going to sit on the sidelines while Shane gets to play daddy?”
_ “If Shane wanted to 'play daddy' do you really think I would be sitting here listening to you bitch about MY decision? MY decision, Telly. MINE! This doesn't have a damn thing to do with you! Do you honestly think I meant to get pregnant at 20?! That since it was a mistake a fucking abortion is the answer?! Its wasn't planned so just press a fucking delete button? Go back to normal?” I hadn't realized I was yelling or standing or making a damn fool outta myself. Nor had I realized that every single patron in the restaurant now had their attention on our conversation. “I am not happy that I am pregnant, Telly. Do I look like I'm jumping for fucking joy right now? I'm scared as hell. No, I don't have everything worked out and no, I don't know what Shane or Austin or my parents or anybody else will say. And to be honest with you I couldn't give a damn. So do me a favor stop trying to tell me what I'm doing wrong cause until you're this person right here-” I said pointing to myself. “you don't know a damn thing about what's 'best'”
_I turned and walked out the restaurant and into the rain, leaving Telly still sitting in her seat, looking around the restaurant in embarrassment and surprise. I began digging in my purse for my keys trying to force down the lump in my throat that felt like I had just swallowed a piece of ice. Telly had always been “suggestive” of the small things in my life. Where I should go, who I should date, what I should wear and I never said anything. Not out of fear, but because some of Telly's advice was good and it worked and she was my friend. But Telly had never been as bold as to tell me I didn't know what I was doing. Which was basically what she was saying about my decision to keep my baby. Who cares that the decision will make my life complicated? I won't throw my child away just because it would be easier for me. I thought that if anybody knew that, Telly did.
_ “Nisa!” I heard Telly yell. Probably finally snapping out of her embarrassment to realize she didn't have her car. I was already at the car when my head instinctively snapped up. “Nisa!” I popped the locks with the alarm control and hopped in, but Telly was already at the passenger side door banging. “Nisa please let me in! I'm sorry!” I paused for a minute looking at her by the door. She had her jacket pulled over her head attempting to protect her hair from the rapidly falling rain. I sighed knowing I wouldn't leave her here. Whether she was being a bitch or not, she was still my best and oldest friend. I popped the locks and she slid in the car.
_ “What Telly?”
_ “Nisa, I'm sorry. I just don't understand. You fought your parents so you could be with Shane. Then Shane broke your heart-” I opened my mouth to defend Shane but she put her hand up to stop me. “You were miserable without her even after your date with Austin, which I was convinced would help if even just a little. Then you get Shane, you finally got your happy ending and now this. Why? When did you become so ready to join the ranks of motherhood? Why now?”
_I didn't answer her. It's not that I wanted to be ignorant or childish its just that....I really didn't know how to explain it. Not even to myself. I had always wanted to be a mother, just not so soon. There was just something so wrong about killing my baby and I knew I wouldn't have the strength to go through the entire pregnancy just so I could give him or her up to someone else. But it was more than that. I started up the car and drove back to my apartment complex so Telly could pick up her car. Telly was quiet the entire ride over, but I knew she wanted an answer to her question. I just didn't know what the answer was yet. Shane text me on my way asking me to pick her up some Taco Bell since I was already out. I would just go pick it up after Telly left I needed more time to myself anyway. We sat in the car in more awkward silence. Telly was waiting and I was trying to find a way to put my jumbled thoughts into words.
_ “Look, I know how you feel about abortions.” Telly said breaking the silence after a few minutes. “And I'm sorry I brought it up. But, Nisi, I don't think you're ready for this. Have you thought about adoption?”
_ “Telly, we both know I'm not strong enough for an adoption.”
_ “You'll be surprised at how strong you can be if you have to.”
_ “I can't Telly.” I said turning to look her in the eye. “It's more than that. I can't imagine myself being a playground mama or the kind whose constantly chasing after a kid in the mall. I haven't seen this baby's face or held it in my arms but I love it already.”
_She looked at me for a minute almost as if to study me, wondering if I would just flake out and get the abortion like she thought I should, but, I was standing firm on this. I knew it would mean complications with Shane and my parents. I wasn't even sure how to begin telling Austin, but I didn't care. Shane would be pissed, hurt, and she might put me out, but I had a job now and I had saved up some money I could get my own place if I needed to. I didn't care what my parents said I wasn't their responsibility anymore, but I guess they needed to know they would be having a grandchild in about...however many months. Telly was right about one thing though, I did need to tell Austin about the baby he had legal rights to him or her. I wasn't sure how to start with any of the above.
_ “I think I'ma go see Granma Lottie tomorrow.” I said suddenly. I knew if anybody could help me figure out what needed to be said, it was her. It had been about two weeks since I last visited her. She acts nothing like my mother which makes me wonder how somebody so wise and understanding gave birth to someone so close-minded and stubborn. Granma Lottie had a way with words that when she talked everybody listened and she always always tells it like it is.
_ “Maybe you should make a doctors appointment tomorrow, too. Just to make sure you really are and to find out how far along you are. I could go with you if you want.” I smiled at her. This was the Telly I knew.
_ “Yeah, I need somebody there. It's been awhile since you seen Granma Lottie anyway.” My grandmother loved all my friends. She even treated Shane like her own when she came over.
_ “You want me to pick you up and we can go have breakfast? You didn't finish telling me the story.”
_ “Okay. I'll talk you tomorrow then.” I gave Telly a hug and made sure she safely got in her car and drove off before I pulled out my parking spot and went to the Taco Bell down the street. As soon as I pulled in the drive thru I heard “Someone” by Musiq Soulchild playing from my purse in the backseat. I answered knowing it was Shane calling to check on me.
_ “Hey baby. I was just about to call you, I'm pulling into the Taco Bell drive thru right now.” I answered pulling up to the intercom.
_ “Aw, okay. I was calling to make sure everything was okay with Telly.”
_ “Liar, you were calling to see what was taking so long.”
_ “AND, to find out when you would be home.” she defended guiltily. I knew if it was up to Shane I would hardly ever leave the house. She was the type of girlfriend who liked to keep me to herself. She wasn't possessive, maybe a little jealous but she liked to have all my attention.
_ “Uh huh. Well, I'm down the street ordering your food. What you want?”
_ “Umm, four soft tacos, some cinnamon twists and a soda.”
_ “Okay babe. I'll be home before you have a chance to miss me.”
_ “Too late.” she joked.
_ “Hush,” I laughed. “I'll be home in a minute.” I hung up and ordered Shane's food and a Mango Fruitista Freeze for myself before pulling around to the window. A girl about 16 or 17 told me my total before rolling her eyes. I sighed internally. For some reason I always had this effect towards women-the straight ones anyway- it's like they immediately didn't like me because I was pretty.
_My skin was the color of beach sand in the morning untouched by water, my eyes were as blue as the water itself at night, a midnight blue and big-not freakishly big but it was always the first thing people noticed about me. My hair stopped between my shoulder blades and was jet black with a brown undertone. My lips were full and pink and I had a small button nose. In my opinion I was decent, not at all like Shane would describe me.
_The girl gave me my change, with attitude of course, before telling me to pull around to the next window. I hoped it wouldn't be another female, cause I wasn't in the mood for attitude. Luckily, it wasn't a girl. It was a boy, around the same age as the girl who looked bored as day as he was putting the food in the bag. As he turned to hand me the food out the window he paused and his eyes widened just a bit before smiling that goofy smile boys get when they want to talk to a girl. I rolled my eyes as he handed me my food muttering flirts. It seemed like the girls didn't like me and the boys didn't know how to act. I wore a rainbow necklace as a deterrent but it never seemed to work.
_ “So, uh, my number is 572-89-”
_ “Excuse me sweetheart, it's not that I don't find this flattering, but,” I interrupted pulling out my rainbow necklace. “I'm gay.” I said smiling before pulling off.
_ I walked into the apartment just 5 minutes after leaving Taco Bell. Shane was sitting on the couch in a white tank top and some basketball shorts watching TV. The first thing I noticed was that her hair-usually braided down to her upper back-was a jet black mass of wavy curls that stopped at the top of her neck and fanned out away from her head. Her dark chocolate eyes were already fixed on the door when I came in. I walked over to the couch and leaned in so she could give me a deep passionate kiss to welcome me home. I ran my fingers down the side of her cheek. I loved the way her skin felt underneath my fingers. The color of creamy peanut butter and just as smooth. I pecked her on the lips once more before handing her food.
_ “Thank you, Baby.”
_ “No problem.” I pecked her once more before heading into the room to get a few minutes to myself.
_ I decided to take a shower and wash my hair. I was careful and took my time, so that I had time to think. How much of our daily routine would change once I told her I was pregnant? Would she look at me differently? Would I even still be living here? Even if she accepted the fact that I was pregnant would she act shady towards the baby? I sighed under the steaming water letting the pressure soothe my stiff muscles. So much would change.
_ When I got out I let my hair dry curly, threw on some sweats and a t-shirt and went back into the living room to cuddle with Shane. She was done eating and had already cleaned off the coffee table and couch. She was laying with her feet in the direction of the TV and her back was propped up against a throw pillow. I climbed over her so that my head was laying across her chest and her heart gently thudded in my ears. I reached up and ran my fingers through her hair just as her arms wrapped tightly around me.
_ I wasn't very tall- just 5'6- but my shape seemed to be perfectly matched with Shane's slim 5'10 figure. I looked up at her face and smiled involuntarily. Although I knew she knew I was looking at her I couldn't help but stare. Her warm dark chocolate eyes, the shape of almonds, were staring straight ahead at the TV. My eyes traced her face, though I knew it better than my own, to her small round nose and full gentle lips. Thinking of her lips-the way she licked them when she was turned on, the set of them when she was concentrating to hard on something, and, now, when she involuntarily bit her bottom lip when I did something that turned her on- brought an intense want to my full attention. I propped myself up on my elbow do that I could kiss her. Her lips, slow and gentle at first, moved in synchronization with my own, my hands tangled in her hair and I gave just the slightest of tugs feeling her arms tighten around my waist. I felt her tongue trace my bottom lip and my hands instinctively pulled even harder on her hair not wanting the kiss to end. I pressed myself into her wrapping the arm I was propped up against around her neck, kissing deeper, more intense, my breathing getting heavier. I knew I had to stop or else I wouldn't be able to. But, with Shane's body pressed into me like this I couldn't concentrate and as warm as she felt I knew I was burning with a flame underneath my skin that only she could ignite

For the Love Of Charlotte

_I stared in complete disbelief at the small white stick on which i had just peed that was laying on the counter in my bathroom. I picked up the little white stick and the box it came in fumbling with it because my hands were so sweaty. I read the directions over and over again praying silently that somewhere i had misread. But, there was no mistaking the easy and clear directions. The smile was pregnant and the frown meant i wasn't. I peeked over at the stick hoping the result had changed somewhere in the last 30 seconds. Nope, the small black printed face seemed to be taunting me with its almost demonic like smile that told me I was pregnant.
_"Fuck!" I screamed listening to my voice echo off the walls of my apartment. I threw my arm over my face. My mind seemed incapable of thinking past the same phrase that kept repeating in my head. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? I tried shaking the stick in my hands wishing the face would disappear like an unwanted doodle on an Etch-A-Sketch, but the smile didn't go anywhere. I wanted to hide it, throw it away, or even better I wanted somebody, hell anybody, to knock on my door and say that this was all some cruel joke. But, none of those things happened. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My dark blue eyes were frozen in shock, my head shaking back and forth. I tried to imagine myself pregnant, tried to imagine a swollen stomach under the black t-shirt I wore now, I couldn't. I tried to imagine myself being one of those mothers sitting on a bench at the park constantly yelling for the kid to stop, or put something down, I couldn't do that either. I slid down the wall closest to my bedroom thinking about how the hell I got here.
_About 4 months ago, my girlfriend, Shane, and I broke up. I was only 19 at the time and still living with my parents trying to get on my feet. Shane and I had been dating for about 6 months before I decided I should tell my friends and family about her. My parents had been first on my list. I'm not sure what I expected their response to be, but the way my father yelled for hours on end was not what I expected. My mother sitting on the couch rocking back and forth crying was not what I had expected. My mother cringing away from my touch like I had electrocuted her when I tried to console her was not what I had expected, and I definitely didn't expect for my parents to tell me that I had to choose between having a place to stay and Shane. I didn't know what to do, I couldn't choose. But, Shane saw how it was hurting me to have to make the decision so she made it for me. When she broke it off I could see the pain it caused her in her eyes, but all I could feel was my heart breaking and a question that I knew the answer to but had to ask anyway.
_"Will you wait for me?" I asked my cheeks soaked with tears.
_"Do you even have to ask?" Shane placed her hand on my face and I leaned into her palm.
_"Promise me you'll wait for me."
_"I promise, Nisa. I'll wait for you."
_Of course, I felt better after hearing her promise me. As long as I knew Shane was waiting for me I had my motivation to keep it pushing. She was my motivation to work even harder at my job and save my money to get the hell out of here, so that I could be with her. A couple weeks after we broke up my best friend, Teshelle or Telly, called me and told me she had to see me. After she came over we went to my room, and I could tell by the look on Telly's face that it wasn't good news and it wasn't news she wanted to tell me.
_"What's going on Telly?" I asked after minutes of awkward silence. "What happened?"
_Telly took a deep breath and sighed. Without words she pulled out her phone and showed me the picture.
_"I'm so sorry." she whispered. I took the phone from her staring at the picture in pain and shock. Although the background was dark I could plainly see Shane's lips pressed to another girls who I recognized as her ex girlfriend Kendra. I sat in a chair across from Telly about to hand the phone back when she put her hand up and lowered her head knowing what she was about to say next would do to me. "There's more." I started going through the pictures each one adding salt to the pain I felt. One where they were dancing slow and intimate, another where Shane had her hand up Kendra shirt, and another where they were kissing. Shane's hand was in Kendra's hair and Kendra's hand was on Shane's chest. Telly knew that if she would've just told I would never have believed it. Shane looked me in my eyes and she promised me that she would wait for me, but the pictures couldn't lie. I shook my head trying not to cry, but the pain washed over me and I felt like I was drowning in it. Telly came and wrapped her arms around me, comforting me, but I couldn't register much except that Shane had hurt me when she said she never would. She was just like a guy...worse, actually, because I had never been hurt this bad by a guy. What the hell did I do? I hurt my family for her. How could she hurt me like this? Telly stayed with for a couple hours before she had to be at work. After she left I sat on my windowsill seat just looking out the window. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with another girl, not if being with them hurt like this.
_Two weeks after Telly told me about Shane, she convinced me to call my ex boyfriend Austin. He was a good person and I loved him, I guess I just wanted something new when I started dating Shane. Something besides the boring weekly routine I had with Austin. When I called Austin I suggested we meet at a local coffee shop called Layers so we could talk, because it was his favorite place to eat when we were dating. Austin, however, insisted that I go to his place. I started to call the whole thing off, but Telly wouldn't let me. She said I had done enough crying and moping over Shane, and that it was time for me to have my fun. She came over and did my hair and make up she even gave me a manicure. Austin knocked on my door at exactly 8 for our date. At first he was speechless, then a breathtakingly handsome smile broke across his face. Austin was about 6'3, 180 lbs even, a dark brown fade with waves that could give anybody motion sickness, full lips, and a body that a Greek God would envy. But, the most redeeming feature about Austin was his eyes, they were big and sincere and had the most unique color about them they were boarder line hazel and brown. Before Shane I would have soaked my panties just at the sight of him at my door. Before Shane I would have gave Austin a deep, passionate kiss before he got in the door. Before Shane I might have even thought Austin was sexy as hell, and while he was handsom none of these things happened and I realized that I wasn't even remotely attracted to Austin. As his eyes scanned me over I suddenly felt nervous and slightly uncomfortable before I realized that i shouldn't be. He came in polite as always and said a quick hello to my mother and father and we were gone.
_Austin had a spacious, tastefully decorated loft. I didn't know what he did for a living, but whatever it was it paid well. I stared in shock around the apartment and I knew without looking at Austin that he enjoyed the shock on my face. On the marble coffee table were a dozen long stemmed roses, a bottle of champange already opened and on ice, and two glasses. The fire place off to the side had the fire on a low setting making the room more welcome and warm. I smiled when I saw the place setting in the small kitchen off to the side. The round glass table had a setting for two. I sniffed and my stomach rumbled in hunger.

_"Somebody's hungry." Austin laughed, watching my hands as they moved to my stomach trying to quiet the steady grumble.

_"It smells delicious." I admitted, smiling sheepishly. "What are we having?"

_"Steak prepared medium rare and grilled to perfection, salad lightly tossed and rice with grilled vegetables."

_"Are you a professional chef now?" I asked turning to face him. From the look on his face I knew I guessed right. "Oh my gosh, you're a chef?!? I didn't even know you could cook. I wouldn't have broke up with you if I knew you could." I said playfully shoving him. His shoulder was rock hard under the cream colored sweater he wore. Could a shoulder have muscles?
_"I'm a man of many talents." He flashed me that unbelievably handsome smile and I knew he was flirting. Again, I felt that uncomfortable feeling, like I had to put some space between us. I felt like my body and my mind weren't on the same wave length. I wasn't having any of the usual reactions I would have had before Shane. My hands should not still be at my side, they should be somewhere on his body. My lips should not still be stretched across my teeth in a slightly uncomfortable smile, they should be on his lips or neck or something for crying out loud.
_"So," he began awkwardly walking ahead of me and pulling out a chair. "I know you're hungry. Let's eat."
_Dinner was light conversation. We talked about school for me, work for him, love life for both. I didn't tell him about Shane, partly because just talking about it still hurt and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable if I burst into tears and partly because I didn't feel like getting into an explanation of the who's, why's, and how's. Things like that weren't exactly "appropriate dinner conversation". However, I was happy being around Austin. He made me laugh and he listened, even though I couldn't tell him everything yet, I felt I would be able to someday. Before I knew it, my plate was clean. Austin cleared the dishes and helped me to the couch, I was a little tipsy from the champagne.
_Everything happened fast after we sat on the couch, but looking back on it now I remember it all in perfect clarity. At first we were laughing and talking. Austin took my shoes off and looked at me with the most hungry look in his eyes- it would have turned me on if it were Shane- but I looked away feeling that uncomfortable feeling again. When we were back at eye level- he was a lot closer than he had been before he took off my shoes- he took a spare curl and placed it behind my ear. I knew what was coming next, like a repetitious bedtime story. But, I couldn't make my feet move. Although, I knew it was coming I stood frozen in shock. I saw it before it happened.
_"I missed you." he said leaning in close enough for me to smell a peppermint he popped into his mouth-when, I have no clue- close enough to pull my face toward him and kiss me in a way that should have been romantic and passionate. All I felt was the uncomfort, the hoping that the kiss would be over soon. What the hell is wrong with you??? This fine ass man could have any woman in the world but he wants you. Get over yourself and more importantly get over Shane! A voice shrieked in my head. Before I could contradict the voice or even think to ignore it, I was kissing Austin back. His tongue danced in my mouth, his breath sweet, his hands tangling in my curls. Once again, the feeling I had since I opened the door to see Austin standing there was making it's way to my gut sitting there. Austin continued to kiss me, but the only thing I could help thinking is that I wish he were Shane. That should have gave me my answer right there, that being a lesbian was the right thing for me or at least Shane was. But, I was set on the explanation that the feeling was my longing for Shane. I pushed all my thoughts and feelings as far away from my brain as possible and tried with all my might to focus on Austin.
_He swept me up into his arms, his lips never leaving mine. Laid me gently on the bed his lips still kissing me but moving to my neck, removing my shirt before he got to my breasts. Kissing them hungrily, sucking seductively on my nipples, kissing down to the button of my jeans before removing them. Tossing them somewhere in the room. He pulled off my panties with his teeth and even before he parted my lips with his tongue I knew I would be bone dry. As hard as it was to believe even to me NONE of this was turning me on. Shane kept sneaking her way into my thoughts and instead of seeing Austin, I kept seeing Shane's long black hair, unbraided just for the sex, between my legs. Surprisingly, I found myself more turned on the more I pictured Shane. The way she worked my clit alternating between circles and flicks until my legs started shaking the bed. The way she moved her tongue in and out my pussy until I felt like I would explode from the inside out. Even though, all of the above turned me on to the max what really did it was the air of confidence she had. Somewhere in between all of that she would fine a way to hold my gaze like she knew my pussy so well she didn't even need to look. Right when I pictured that face I climaxed, though not as intense as the real thing. Being with Austin felt like masturbating, just not using my hands not quite as good as the real thing but enough to get your fix. When, Austin put his dick inside of me I tried-and failed- to focus on his face. When I closed my eyes I saw Shane and when I opened them I saw Austin. When I closed them I could moan and scream, I could do those things with my eyes open but it was fake. I repeated the part where Austin put his dick inside me, but I couldn't remember if I saw or heard him put a condom on. I went through the part in my head until i thought I would be sick, but I still couldn't remember which frustrated me even more.
_After Austin came-I know for a fact he pulled out- I asked him to take me home. He looked hurt but obliged like the perfect gentleman.
_Somewhere in remembering that night I started to cry. The tears I had been keeping at bay spilled over my cheeks and made dark spots on my sweat pants where I laid my head. What was I going to tell Shane? Would I tell Shane? Would I get an abortion? I knew the answer to that before my brain even brought it to conscious thought. I couldn't kill my child. Even though it was half Austin it was part me too. So, I would have to tell Shane, and my parents, and Telly, and my Granma Lottie. Granma Lottie had been the only person to have my back when I came out. I could almost picture the talking to I was going to get for this. But I know she would support my decision to keep my baby, Telly would have my back no matter what, my parents would think I'm a fuck up no matter what-no harm there- and Shane.....would probably hate me. The tears came harder thinking of the latter.
_My phone, on the counter above my head, started singing PYT by Michael Jackson I knew it was Telly calling me. I started not to answer but I needed to talk to somebody to clear my head before Shane got home. With a numb hand I reached up to grab my Blackberry and pressed talk.
_"Hello??? Nisi?? NI-SI??? NISA!!!" Telly shouted in my ear.
_"Telly can you come over?" I said unable to keep my voice from breaking.
_"I'm on my way." I could hear cars honking at her. I loved that no matter what it was if I said I needed Telly she was there. "What happened? What's wrong?"
_I sighed attempting to calm my voice. "I fucked up."